Stabbing In The Heart : My Nightmarish Past.

 

If you guys read my post : The Story Behind My Blogs Name, you’d know that I started this blog because I wanted to have a new beginning. To redefine myself. To exchange the tags of sad, pathetic, sorrowful, depressed, and dull away for tags like awesome, interesting, bubbly, energetic, optimistic, fun and cheerful. To redefine my life in 2015.

So far, it turned out pretty good. I started a new blog, I had my vacations, a lot of time, and new, unbiased people to read, like and follow my reinvigorated self.

But now, my school is reopening again. I have already had a brush up with people of the past, and let me say that they always help me to recall my ignorance, my mistakes, my irresponsibleness, my faults, my flaws, my personality and physical breaks and Every. Single. Defect. In. Me.

I’m scared. To be completely honest, I’m scared, I’m afraid, I’m terrified, I’m feeling hopeless, and pathetic. Just like before.

I really don’t want to turn back into the person I was before. I don’t want to turn back into the girl who cried everyday, the girl who complained every second, the hopeless, defeated, depressed girl. On some occasions, I’ve cried for no reason at all, and I’ve asked random people to sing to me. Pathetic memories right there.

(I know people have it so much worse than me. I’m not declining you that. What I write here isn’t even half of what I’ve gone through and what I’ve done. My pain and my sufferings were real to me, and I really don’t care if you think otherwise. )

But that was 2014. I’ve moved on. At least that’s what I think.

Convincing you guys, people I’ve never met before, unbiased guys who have given me nothing but compassion, support and encouragement was easy. But convincing people who know about every mistake I’ve ever made and will make in future, not so much.

I don’t know if this awesomeness and cheerfulness will continue in the real life. I want it to. I want it very, very badly.

I don’t want to have social anxiety.

I don’t know about you guys, but in my life, I value my personality the most. Not my talents, not my wealth, not my grades. That’s why I’ve never let out any secret people trust me with. That’s why I want to study Psychology. That’s why I wanted to redefine myself. That’s why I was excited at the prospect of a new year. That’s why I made a bucket list.

And that’s exactly why I don’t want my happiness to exist only in pixels and in comment boxes.

The only thing I know? I’ve got my back. I’d lost myself yesteryear. I’m not going to again.

I am petrified. I don’t know what to say anymore.

Phoenix.
💜💙💛💚❤.